You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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