Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
