bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
