you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
