So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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