Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
