i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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