Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
