you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
