I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
