We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
