I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
