While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
