do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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