What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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