In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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