I never want to see another naked old woman again.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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