Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
