Soap is not a condiment
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
