If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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