Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
