My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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