I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
