she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just want to make out with him forever
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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