The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
