Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
