I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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