You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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