Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
