Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
