woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
