come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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