i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
