omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm sobbing to NWA
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
