Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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