I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
