This dress was meant to end up on your floor
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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