I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
