WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
