if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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