My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
