so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
