I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
