Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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