paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This toilet bowl is my home.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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