the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
