I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
