I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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