I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
