I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
