Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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